my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
