I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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