Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
time to smoke my breakfast
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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