I am puke
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
