I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
