Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
