so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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