I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
