"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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