Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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