I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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