Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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