Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
