Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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