Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
