she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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