Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
