my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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