And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
