I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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