I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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