so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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