Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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