apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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