i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
