So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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