i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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