Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
