i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
