I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
