a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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