I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The best revenge is premature balding
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We need a shit load of segways right now
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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