So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
