Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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