Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
