she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
