Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
