wakey wakey hands off snakey
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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