Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
