Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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