i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
