Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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