Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
