I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
