Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
