Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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