Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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