He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
