when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
