I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
