dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
