Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
